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Betrayal Trauma has similar symptoms as PTSD

solecounseling@gmail.com (Steven Clark Lee) — Tue, 01 Oct 2024 22:34:29 GMT

What emotions are you experiencing?

Individuals suffering with betrayal trauma have similar emotional responses as PTSD. A person can be triggered by events, people, billboards, anything that takes them back to the trauma. Hypervigilence such as focusing on your partners behavior to make sure you're emotionally safe is a betrayal trauma response. That is incredibly emotionally draining and hijacking of your life enjoyment.

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Wed, 17 Jul 2024 15:08:20 GMT

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Why Confession Matters for Church Members

Wed, 12 Oct 2022 21:34:46 GMT

As a bishop, the first five minutes after a congregation member confesses a sin could determine the direction of their path forward. Although a confession may feel awkward or uncomfortable, it can be a freeing experience. At the same time, it's important to remember it can also be rather distressing. Ultimately, the goal is to help your members without leaving them feeling alone, shamed, or betrayed.

Being a bishop can be a liberating experience. For example, you're there to help facilitate a relationship with your member and their relationships with Jesus Christ and their Heavenly Father. Yet, how you react, treat, or even respond to this member can heavily impact their spiritual experience. Thus, the reason why the first five minutes after a confession is so crucial. It's vital for all congregation members to feel acknowledged, validated, and supported after confessing, even if the spirit has not revealed the necessary next steps. Displaying this response will build empathy and help them embrace the repentance process and the sheer power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Let's walk through how you might better help those you serve to have a spiritual experience.

Why the first 5 minutes matter

Confession with a bishop often starts from an individual's action of self-revelation. It allows church members to come before a Lord's representative and share their wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, and start anew through repentance.

As natural men, we tend to form responses or opinions before the other person stops talking. Yet, in doing so, we may miss or ignore essential information. This is especially true in the setting of a confession with a bishop. As a result, this behavior might override your intent to show empathy and trust. As a result, the member may feel judged, embarrassed, and ashamed.

"Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual. We can show forth our love for others even when we are called upon to correct them. We need to be able to look deeply enough into the lives of others to see the basic causes for their failures and shortcomings."

– Spencer W. Kimball August 1979 Ensign

If a member feels safe, loved, and supported, they are more likely to move forward and heal through the atonement. Likewise, those who feel the opposite tend to get stuck in their guilt and ashamed. They may also feel alone and disconnected. As a result, this could lead them to drift away from God, eventually fading away from the Church altogether.

However, there is hope and a proven process for bishops to use in these situations to help their members. In short, it requires bishops to develop patience, open perspectives, and new forms of communication.

Understand sin is a symptom, not the problem.

In the Church, confession is an act of contrition (penance) performed before a bishop. A member confessing sins may also seek absolution, forgiveness, and spiritual guidance.

As bishops, it is important to remain calm and engaged without prejudice towards any sin. Jesus Christ created his Church to welcome anyone who wants to join him. Likewise, he teaches us, as members of the Church of Jesus Christ, to accept and love everyone in our community. No matter their situation, we are all children of God.

It's true; some bishops do not understand how vital the first five minutes after a confession are. Instead of connection, a bishop may lose focus. Examples of this include:

Focusing on stopping the symptom is the desirable goal.
Ignoring the pain or fear of the sin but mistakenly making the sin the sole focus.
Lack of "understanding."
Prejudice or preconceived notions

As a result, a bishop's inability to connect or engage with a non-judgemental tone can seriously alter the member's path during the repentance process.

Discovering the root behind every sin together

As discussed in the previous section, "sin is a symptom, never the problem."

As bishops, we can miss the opportunity to truly help our ward members by becoming hyperfocused on the sin rather than the root of the problem that is leading to sin. For example, if an elder in your ward is struggling with pornography, do you know why? What's at the root of the behavior? The elder may not understand the why behind his pornography addiction either. However, this is when the spirit may help guide you with the right questions, allowing you to discover the root of the problem together. Addressing the driving force behind the sin makes the symptoms easier to work through and overcome.

When asking discovery and exploratory questions, be mindful of the following eight emotions. This can provide powerful insight into the connection between a member's actions and behaviors.

Learn to stay away from toxic shame after a confession

Going to a bishop to receive counsel and guidance should always be welcomed among your congregation. Bishops follow and adhere to the teachings of Jesus Christ. Specifically, they understand and teach the atonement process and how confession is a necessary and freeing first step in receiving forgiveness.

As members enter the bishop's office, they may exhibit a feeling of anxiousness. Likewise, this step also shows humility, hope, and encouragement. However, these positive emotions may fade if a bishop mishandles the moment. For example, a bishop may experience the promptings of a "counterfeit still, small voice." As a result, this may lead to an immediate response that could unintentionally induce a feeling of toxic shame.

For example, toxic shame can leave a member with thoughts like:

I'm a bad person
Something is wrong with me
I'm a failure
I will never measure up
I'm unlovable

It's okay if you don't know the answer or feel the spirit's guidance at the exact moment. When these situations occur, bishops can always rely on instilling the feeling that forgiveness is possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Why focus on change rather than treating the sin?

The first five minutes after a confession with a ward member could change the course of their life forever. How a bishop helps members connect to the true doctrine in their minds and hearts could determine the changes they make.

"True doctrine, understood changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior...That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."

-Boyd K. Packer November 1986 Ensign

President Packer did not teach that simply knowing true doctrine changes us. Rather, doctrine must be understood. The word understanding in the scriptures is frequently linked to and associated with the heart. Likewise, it often refers to a revealed result or conclusion. Thus, true doctrine confirmed in the heart as true by the witness of the Holy Ghost changes attitudes and behavior. Knowing true doctrine is necessary but is not sufficient. Understanding true doctrine both in our minds and in our hearts is essential to righteous attitudes and actions.

-David A. Bednar, Increase in Learning, Chapter 4

As a bishop, here are three steps you can use to help your ward members focus on change than treating the sin.

Teach the Doctrine
Gospel doctrines answer the "WHY."
Promise Blessings
Invites hope into their hearts
Invite to Act
Members exercise their agency here. This is where our faith requires us, as bishops and counselors, to let go. If conversion happens, it is in this stage.

In the Church of Jesus Christ, we not only learn divine doctrine; we also experience its application. As the body of Christ, the members of the Church minister to one another in the reality of day-to-day life. All of us are imperfect; we may offend and be offended. We often test one another with our personal idiosyncrasies. Or, as President Packer says, "Idiosyncrasies." In the body of Christ, we have to go beyond concepts and exalted words and have a real "hands-on" experience as we learn to "live together in love."

- Todd D. Christofferson, Why the Church, Oct. 2015 General Conference

Are you interested in learning more about this topic? If so, please register for one of our upcoming bishop training sessions. This training is free and completely confidential.

If you have any questions or would like professional help with a member, please feel free to reach out to Sole Counseling

Reclaim Your Life After PTSD and Porn or Sex Addiction

Fri, 12 Mar 2021 15:51:17 GMT

Living with PTSD can be debilitating. We know there are a variety of ways trauma can occur. Likewise, the impact it can have on people can vary dramatically. However, is it common to turn to porn to cope with symptoms of PTSD? Is there a particular form of therapy to treat those who have a sex addiction and also suffer from PTSD?

PTSD is also known as post-traumatic stress disorder. This diagnosis was brought to light years ago when veterans would return from war with a variety of mental health symptoms and issues. Over time, and through research, we continue to learn the variety of ways PTSD can occur.

Let's discuss PTSD and the reasons why you may be using your addiction as your coping skill.

What is PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a mental health issue that can occur after a traumatic event. For example, those who serve in the military or on the frontlines of war can develop PTSD. Likewise, if you see or experience violence, a car accident, or a natural disaster, you may develop symptoms. Those who experience betrayal trauma within a relationship can also develop symptoms.

PTSD affects the part of the brain that stores memories and emotions. Due to the intensity of a traumatic event, your brain uses your five senses to gather information to help you survive. Rather than properly processing the situation, it may become, in a sense, frozen in your mind. As a result, a trigger such as a familiar sound or smell can take you right back to that moment as if it's happening in real-time.

Symptoms can include:

anxiety
flashbacks
a constant state of hypervigilance
sleeplessness
nightmares
drastic changes in mood
intense anger
depression
reduced production of endorphins (happy

You may not develop symptoms right away. In fact, it may be months later. However, unprocessed trauma can negatively affect your life for days, months, and even years. The good news, however, is there are many forms of therapy that can alleviate symptoms. PTSD is highly treatable.

Why can PTSD lead to porn or sex addiction?

An article by AddictionHope.com (The Connection between PTSD in the Military and Sexual Addiction) addresses why it's common for addictions to form after experiencing trauma. Witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event can leave you with constant feelings of distress, anxiety, or fear. As a result, you may experience sleeplessness as you remain in a state of hyper-awareness. All of this can be exhausting and overwhelming.

The vulnerability to addiction comes as you seek relief. Research seems to indicate porn and sexual addiction forms just like drug and alcohol addictions do. A stimulus is introduced to the body, the brain responds, and you experience a temporary sense of relief. Over time, your brain craves more, and before long, you are now a prisoner within your own body. Addiction can take over and begin to interfere with your everyday life. Likewise, areas of life can become unmanageable without your addiction.

If you are ready to escape the trap of addiction, there is hope and help available. PTSD can be debilitating. However, with professional help, both healing and recovery are possible. With the right guidance, you can work through your issues and reclaim your life.

At Sole Counseling , we treat clients who have PTSD. We also specialize in treating addictions such as porn or sex addiction. We would love to talk to you and help you on your journey of reclaiming your life. Call us today.

Is Betrayal Trauma Something Only Adults Can Develop?

Tue, 09 Feb 2021 16:50:59 GMT

The moment you find out about your partner's infidelity or addiction is likely one you'll never forget. Whether you discover it on your own or your spouse tells you, the impact can be just as traumatic. However, in regard to children, what's the impact on them? Can children also develop betrayal trauma?

Betrayal trauma is a term used by professionals who treat those experiencing symptoms similar to PTSD. You may not think of discovering infidelity or addiction as trauma. However, when there is a severe violation of safety or trust, that betrayal can trigger a trauma response. As such, children, teens, and adults can all develop betrayal trauma.

In this article, we'll define betrayal trauma and discuss who may develop symptoms.

What is Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal trauma is an after-effect of a betrayal. In other words, it's the distress and inner turmoil that occurs after a significant violation of trust. It can happen in both parent-child or romantic partner relationships. When you rely on another for safety, protection, and love, and they violate that, it can be traumatic.

Like many, when you think of trauma, you may link it to war, abuse, or a traumatic car accident. However, a severe violation of trust within a relationship can send a signal to the brain that is similar to other forms of trauma. As a result, you can also develop PTSD-like symptoms.

Betrayal Trauma and Children

Initially, betrayal trauma research focused on the effects of betrayal in child-caretaker relationships. Betrayal trauma centers around the attachment theory. For example, the bond you build early in life will play a vital in future relationships. Children with secure attachments are more likely to be able to create secure attachments in adulthood. On the contrary, when there is not a secure attachment, it can heavily impact your ability to develop secure attachments later in life.

Children raised in abusive or neglectful homes can develop betrayal trauma. When your needs for safety and protection are not met, it can have a significant impact on your mental health. Likewise, those who experience a significant violation of trust and safety may also develop symptoms.

Research indicates many factors can influence the impact of the traumatic incident. So, although two people may experience the same or similar situations, they could have two very different reactions. For example, you and your sibling have the same upbringing, but your symptoms seem more severe. Remember, you may be living with different symptoms. Likewise, you may have internalized the trauma differently.

Romantic Relationships and Betrayal Trauma

When we commit to another, there is typically an unspoken agreement that you will provide each other with trust, love, and respect. However, when there's a violation of that, it can be devastating. Likewise, it can lead to a range of emotions, including anger and rage, confusion, and heartache.

Betrayal within relationships can occur in a variety of ways. Discovering an addiction to porn, infidelity, and even financial deceit can lead to betrayal trauma. As a result, the aftermath can leave you with symptoms that last for months or a lifetime. It can cause you to question others around you and even yourself. Likewise, it can leave you longing for a sense of normalcy. Overtime, unprocessed trauma can lead to a variety of symptoms. Examples include anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance.

I'm living with betrayal trauma; how can I heal?

The healing process can vary depending upon many situations. However, reaching out for support can provide you with hope and validation. Likewise, seeking professional help can lead you down the path toward healing and recovery.

At SOLE Counseling , we specialize in treating betrayal trauma. We understand the symptoms and challenges you may be facing. Just as we've helped many clients through their healing process, we would love to see if we can help you too. Call us today.

First COVID-19, Now Betrayal Trauma, How Will I Survive?

Tue, 12 Jan 2021 04:43:38 GMT

Amid a global pandemic and facing so much unknown, now more than ever, we need our safe people to turn to. However, if you're living with betrayal trauma, you may feel like the person you rely on for safety and security is now gone. The partner you relied on is behind your indescribable grief and heartache. So, how do you maintain your mental health after betrayal trauma?

Betrayal trauma can flip your world upside-down in a moment. Life as you know it can shatter just as quickly. As a result of the trauma, you may feel frozen in that moment. The scene may be stuck on repeat in your mind. So, how do you begin to heal? You're already dealing with the stress of COVID-19, so now what?

If you feel like you're struggling to keep your head above water, you're not alone. Unfortunately, there isn't a quick fix for healing from betrayal trauma. However, we have a few ideas that may help you get through day-to-day after betrayal trauma.

What is Betrayal Trauma?

B etrayal is the action that accompanies broken trust and confidence. It can occur through secrets, lies, manipulation, or deceit. Trauma is the result of an intensely distressing experience or event. When you combine the two, you get betrayal trauma.

The traumatic experience of discovering a betrayal within your relationship is betrayal trauma. This could come from a variety of situations. One example would be learning about an affair or infidelity. Likewise, discovering your partner has a drug or porn addiction can also cause betrayal trauma. It can also develop within children who are raised by abusive or neglectful caretakers. Likewise, it can occur within any relationship of trust where you depend on someone for safety and security.

Symptoms of betrayal trauma can be similar to those living with PTSD. Likewise, unprocessed trauma can lead to depression, anxiety, and sleeplessness. It can also lead you to isolation. Furthermore, it can cause you to question the intent of others or to mistrust your own judgment. It can also leave you vulnerable to intense emotions and emotional outbursts.

So, what can you do to begin to move forward after betrayal trauma?

Ideas on how to mentally survive day-to-day after betrayal trauma

Betrayal trauma can affect everyone so differently. So, one of the first things you can do is allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. While it's easy to get caught up in caparisons or expectations, it's not likely to help you heal.

Reach out for support. You may be feeling so many emotions that you don't know what you're feeling. However, talking to a trusted friend, family member, or religious leader may help you process your thoughts. Likewise, they may help you validate your emotions.

Self-care and routine. Although you may have to force yourself to get ready for the day, doing so may boost your mental health. Likewise, a routine may help restore normalcy and predictability to your day. (Bloom for Women)

Write in a journal. Writing down your thoughts can be therapeutic and healing. For example, writing down your emotions can help you acknowledge your feelings and help bring clarity to your thoughts. Furthermore, it can help you monitor your progress as you begin to heal.

Dismiss thoughts of blame. Your spouse's choices are not your fault. Period. Furthermore, blaming yourself can trap you into a cycle of guilt that doesn't serve you. The same is true in thoughts of blaming your partner. The blame game is a trap that doesn't promote healing or alleviate the symptoms of betrayal trauma.

At Sole Counseling , we understand the devastating impact betrayal trauma can have on your life. Amid the difficulties of this pandemic, having someone to turn to may feel like a lifeline. We may be able to help, and we'd love to talk to you. Call us today.

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Ideas on How to Handle Discovering a Porn Addiction

Wed, 09 Dec 2020 04:13:27 GMT

The holiday season is in full swing. Stores are decked out in bright holiday cheer, inviting you to buy the perfect gift this year. At the same time, the holidays can be full of triggers that ignite porn addiction behaviors. As a result, rather than finding that gift you're hoping for, you may discover your partner has a porn addiction.

For some, the holidays bring feelings of nostalgia, hope, excitement, and happiness. For others, however, the pressure of holiday perfection can lead to disappointment and failed expectations. Likewise, many may struggle because their reality feels the opposite of what the movies portray. So, turning to a porn addiction to escape negative emotions can become more frequent during the holidays. As a result, you may have just made a discovery you didn't see coming.

Discovering your partner's porn addiction can leave you wondering how you'll carry on this holiday season. Let's talk about how you might begin to handle the new reality you're facing.

What is Porn Addiction?

Porn addiction, like any addiction, forms as the brain experiences a stimulant, reacts by releasing a 'feel-good' chemical and then craves it again. Over time, cravings can become so intense that even if you don't want to act upon the thought, you do anyway. The habit continues and can become an addiction in a short amount of time. Often, with addiction, to experience the same high, use becomes more frequent. Likewise, feelings of shame, guilt, or fear can also intensify. As a result, secrets and lies increase as life becomes unmanageable without the addiction. Then, to escape those negative emotions, you turn back to your addiction. The vicious cycle repeats, again and again, damaging lives in the process.

What can you do if you discover your spouse has a porn addiction?

Discovering your partner's pornography use can leave you with a lot of emotions to sort through. For example, many feel a partner viewing porn is a violation of trust. Others may feel disgusted or hurt. Likewise, the discovery can be traumatic or devastating. It may be helpful for you to know you are not alone. In fact, you'll likely need as much support to get through this as your partner will to overcome his addiction.

With the holidays upon us, you may already be feeling extra stress or sadness.

So, what can you do? Here are a few suggestions:

Take a moment to process what you're feeling.
Remember, this is not your fault.
Ask questions: How often? When? Where? Why? Does your partner believe it's a porn addiction?
Talk to your spouse about what pornography use means to you. For example, why does it affect you?
Come up with a plan and set boundaries or seek professional help.

Also, remember self-care is a vital component of your physical and mental health. AddoRecovery.com 's article on betrayal trauma provides some useful ideas as well.

My spouse has a porn addiction; what now?

D iscovering a porn addiction is never an easy thing to overcome. However, with the right help and support, couples can heal. Porn addiction recovery is possible. At Sole Counseling , we help many clients and couples work through porn addiction. We may be able to help you too. Professional help could be the best gift you can give yourself this holiday season. Call us today.

Why Do Men Suffer From Sexual Addiction?

Mon, 09 Nov 2020 19:01:09 GMT

Sexual addiction is real. Likewise, the addiction can be incredibly dangerous and emotionally destructive. Is it possible to heal or recover from sexual addiction?

Just like other addictions, sex addiction is not simply about craving sex. In fact, similar to those with other addictions, they have underlying issues like shame, anxiety, depression, past sexual abuse, and stress. A person's past trauma could play a large role in a person's addiction. Mostly when it the trauma happens to a person during their childhood. Likewise, focusing on underlying trauma is an excellent start to healing and recovering from an addiction.

Are you wondering if you have a sexual addiction? If so, this article may help you answer that question.

Why is there a debate about whether or not sexual addiction is real?

Pornography and sexual addiction are on the rise at alarming rates. Why then, is there a debate about whether or not it is an addiction?

Our culture and environment are perfect breeding grounds for sex addiction. From tv, literature, and the internet, the expression "sex sells" seems to be more accurate than ever. Likewise, we live in a world where seemingly irresponsible sexual behaviors seem acceptable. As a result, it makes it easy to spread the misconception that sexual addiction isn't real.

In reality, sex addicts, like any other addict, often turn to their addictive behavior as a way of escaping from reality. Furthermore, many tend to suffer from past emotional trauma or sexual abuse. Hence, the emotional toll of this addiction can be as devastating as any other addiction.

What are the signs you might have a sexual addiction?

Admitting you have an addiction is the first step toward recovery. Many try to hide their behaviors or deny their inability to function without their addiction. Whereas, some addicts may not realize life has become unmanageable without their addiction.

If you are curious if you have a sexual addiction, ask yourself the following questions. Each of these may indicate that your problem may be more significant than you realize it is.

Are you trying to hide your behaviors?
Do you experience mood swings in regards to sex?
Has your partner mentioned you seem to be more controlling regarding intimacy?
Do you have obsessive thoughts about pornography or sexual activity?
Have you noticed you feel defensive when questioned about your sexual behaviors?
Do you need to view pornography in order to have a sexual response when you're intimate with your partner?
Do you expect your sexual experience to match those you view? If so, do you feel a lack of desire to be physically intimate?
Have you been isolating from or avoiding your loved ones?
Do you remain at the office, etc. so you can view porn or engage in other sexual behaviors without interruption?

If you answered yes, you might have an addiction. As a result, it may be the perfect time to reach out for professional help. At SOLE Counseling, we understand the complexities of sexual addiction. We can help you overcome all of the obstacles you might find in your way.

What does recovery from a sexual addiction look like?

For those with an addiction to alcohol or substances, abstaining from those substances leads to recovery. However, recovering from sexual addiction doesn't require abstaining from sexual activity. In fact, the goal is to help you develop a safe relationship with sexual activities. Just like food addicts learn how to have a healthy relationship with food, you, too, can develop a healthy relationship with sex.

Recovery from sexual addiction means uncovering the root of the problem. Through the healing process, you can discover what drove you to your addictive behaviors. Likewise, you can regain control of your life and heal your relationships.

At Sole Counseling, we are helping many men recover from sexual addiction. We can walk you through the healing process and support you in your recovery. Call us today.

Does the Rise in Infidelity Correlate With COVID-19?

Tue, 06 Oct 2020 22:40:34 GMT

Let's discuss some ideas to help you and your partner maintain satisfaction within your relationship.

Among all the things COVID-19 is leading to, the last thing you thought it might lead to is infidelity. However, there seems to be a rise in cases, and you're wondering if your relationship may be in jeopardy. Is there anything you can do to prevent such devastating circumstances?

Coronavirus is impacting people in a variety of ways. From isolation to financial distress and interruptions in social life, many seem to be feeling the impact of this pandemic. Some believe the added stressors from COVID may be causing a rise in infidelity cases.

Let's talk about how this pandemic may be linked to a rise in infidelity. We'll also discuss some ideas to help you and your partner maintain satisfaction within your relationship.

What is infidelity?

Infidelity is the action of a partner who engages emotionally or physically with a person outside of the relationship. As a result, trust is often damaged or lost. The aftermath of infidelity can lead to divorce or an end of the relationship.

Is There a Correlation Between COVID-19 and Infidelity?

Researchers are collecting data on the correlation between infidelity and COVID-19. So, it may be too early for conclusive evidence that links the two. However, stress levels seem to be at a possible all-time high for many people. We know that as stress increases, sexual satisfaction and happiness within a relationship tend to decline. According to OnlineWiley.com , satisfaction within a relationship often correlates with infidelity. So, as stress increases, happiness can decrease, and the risk of infidelity may go up.

Furthermore, expectations amid high-stress can get skewed. As a result, partners may begin filling their thoughts with negative views of the other. Hence thoughts of engaging with someone outside of the relationship begin to form. (onlinewiley.com)

Another way COVID and infidelity may be related is due to quarantine. As couples no longer go about their busy days outside of the home, affairs may be easier to discover.

What Can I Do to Prevent Infidelity During A Pandemic?

So, what can you do to help prevent dissatisfaction and possible infidelity within the relationship? If high-stress can cause satisfaction levels to decline, then prevention can begin with managing stress.

One idea is to check-in on each other's stress levels. It's common and easy to push emotions down. However, being transparent with your partner can be very beneficial. Likewise, talking and validating one another can keep your feelings from boiling over.

Another idea that may help is to be aware of your mental health status. If you're beginning to feel an uptick in anxiety, stress, or hopelessness, talk to your spouse about it. Likewise, if you find you're blaming your spouse for things, it may be due to how you feel internally. As you both become more aware of your emotions, you can prevent misplaced blame.

Next, redefine, or even let go of expectations. Silent expectations can lead to disdain and contention. Remember, both of you likely have different ways to cope with stress. Expecting each other to alleviate stress, in the same manner, can backfire. For example, if you reduce stress by staying busy, but your partner watches TV to decompress, feelings can escalate quickly. Instead, the two of you can discuss and outline roles and scenarios. Doing so may prevent negative views of your partner from taking over your thoughts, and vice versa.

At SOLE Counseling, we recognize the strain the pandemic can place on relationships. We can help you through this. Likewise, if infidelity is now part of your reality, we can help you begin the healing process. Call us today.

Do You Need to Heal From Betrayal Trauma After An Emotional Affair?

Tue, 01 Sep 2020 21:54:44 GMT

Many couples split after one partner deceives the other by finding a new love. But, what about those in a committed relationship whose partner has an emotional affair? It's true, the impact can be as damaging and can also cause betrayal trauma.

Like many people who discover their partner's infidelity, you may be feeling angry, sad, and exhausted. Likewise, as you try to wrap your mind around the situation, you may feel like you're not coping well. For those who discover an emotional affair, the betrayal can feel devastating. As you try to process how this happened, you may also wonder if you'll be able to trust again. Healing from a traumatic betrayal can be a difficult road. Yet, it's possible.

Betrayal trauma after an emotional affair can be as devastating as a physical affair. Yet, through the healing process, happiness can be yours. Let's talk about the effects of an emotional affair and betrayal trauma.

What Are the Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal trauma refers to the damage that follows a betrayal in your relationship. For example, an affair damages the trust, safety, and security within the bond you have with your partner. Emotional infidelity can be just as damaging. As a result, you can experience negative mental, physical, and emotional symptoms. (verywellmind.com)

Betrayal trauma can cause you to feel unsafe and insecure in a relationship. Likewise, as you try to process what happened, you may be feeling alone in your pain. Therefore, it may be helpful to know the signs of betrayal trauma.

Symptoms include:

isolation
depression
intense emotions such as anger and frustration
hyper-vigilance
feeling unlovable
nightmares

Many who experience betrayal trauma experience the same symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. The good news is, healing is possible. As you learn how to cope with the trauma, you can find direction in your path forward.

Why Am I Struggling to Get Over My Betrayal Trauma?

"Why can't I get over the emotional affair and move forward?" Often that's the question people are eager to find an answer too. As you try to convince your heart you're moving forward, you may feel like you're taking three steps back. (oprahmag.com)

Do you find yourself wondering how an emotional affair can feel as painful as a physical affair? The answer is because of the trauma of the betrayal. Many people with betrayal trauma have symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. As a result, as you gain an understanding of the essence of your trauma, you'll begin to see how normal your response is.

Recognizing the betrayal as the emotional and life-changing event it is can help you begin to move forward. As you allow yourself to feel your emotions, you can start to work through the process of healing.

At Sole Counseling, we can help you process your betrayal trauma. Through the healing process, you can regain emotional stability. Likewise, as you learn how to meet your emotional needs, you can find yourself again.

Sole Counseling also provides marriage counseling. We can help you and your partner fix your relationship. For example, we can help you set healthy emotional boundaries. As a result, couples can heal from betrayal trauma. We can help you too. Call us today.

How a Damaged Attachment Cycle Can Lead to Addiction and Damage Your Relationship

Sat, 25 Jul 2020 05:47:01 GMT

You may have heard of the bonding or trust cycle. Have you ever heard of a "damaged attachment cycle?" When speaking of attachment, the words bonding, trust, and attachment can be used interchangeably.

Attachment begins in the womb and attachment styles form within the first year of life. Your specific attachment style affects how you connect with people. With addiction, connecting with your partner is often impaired. This leads to a damaged attachment cycle within the relationship. As a result, needs are not met, and the couple does not maintain feelings of satisfaction, trust, and safety.

If you feel like you're in this situation and want to change it, there is good news. With effort, you can repair a damaged attachment cycle. As a result, you can also repair your relationship.

Attachment Cycle vs. Damaged Attachment Cycle

Why is it important to understand what an attachment cycle is? Did you know how you attached to your caregivers as a baby, influences how you connect to others today?

The main idea of the attachment cycle is that our loved ones meet our physical and emotional needs. We repeat this cycle hundreds of thousands of times. However, if our needs are not met, beginning as early as in the womb, it can have very negative consequences.

Let's look at a secure versus an insure attachment cycle.

A secure attachment cycle:

1. A need arises (the baby needs food)

2. Communicate need (baby begins to cry)

3. Caretaker responds (soothes and feeds)

4. Satisfaction (baby eats)

5. Relaxation sets in (baby is no longer crying)

6. Safety and trust form (baby connects to the caregiver)

A damaged attachment cycle begins the same, however, at step 3:

3. The caregiver does not respond (leaves baby to cry)

4. Further dysregulation (baby cries louder, longer)

5. Caregiver responds with anger or resentment

6. Feelings of safety and trust decrease (baby doesn't learn to trust, rage or apathy develop instead)

When our needs are not met, we form a damaged attachment cycle known as an insecure attachment.

A damaged attachment cycle can lead to addiction. In a relationship, addiction often leads to a damaged attachment cycle. Trust and safety within a relationship diminish when our needs are not met. The good news is, all attachment cycles can be fixed.

Why a damaged attachment cycle can lead to addiction

Turning to addiction is common if you have a damaged attachment cycle. As humans, we have an instinctive need for connection and getting our needs met. Unmet needs lead us to find other ways to get our needs met. As a result, substances, pornography, or alcohol can become reliable sources of self-soothing. Attachment disorders and low self-esteem seem to go hand-in-hand. As a result, you carry these behaviors into relationships, and the cycle continues on.

Addiction temporarily masks emotions. As a result, life becomes unmanageable and uncomfortable without it. This may leave you feeling irritable, frustrated, and vulnerable. Thus, it becomes easy to push your loved one away. Your needs are being met through your addiction, while your partner is learning she can't rely on you. The good news is, if you're ready to leave your addiction behind, we can help you move forward. We can help you create a secure attachment within your relationship.

3 ways you and your partner can start to heal a damaged attachment cycle

The first and hardest step is often admitting there's a problem. Often, addiction leads to complete unawareness of the issues at hand. Acknowledging the problem opens the door to recovery. Likewise, after recognizing your addiction, you can begin to break down the defensive wall surrounding it.
Learn about your attachment styles. Both you and your partner will benefit by learning about both of your attachment styles. Often, people with insecure attachments form relationships with each other. As each of you begin to understand your behaviors, you'll be able to see where the breakdown is happening. Furthermore, efforts become more effective when you are aware of the behaviors you need to change.
Go to therapy. A therapist can help you and your relationship in so many ways. Through counseling sessions, you can work towards recovery. Likewise, you and your spouse can focus on repairing your damaged attachment cycle. Going to therapy can help you develop a secure attachment and improve your relationship.

At SOLE Counseling, we know what a damaged attachment cycle can lead to. We also know how to fix it. We can help you overcome the obstacles you're facing. Please schedule an appointment today.

Sole Counseling | Blog

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